Everybody Hates John
by CunningMascara
Summary: The true nature of John Rider is not what Alex would expect. Or anyone, really. Language.


I should be working on my stories, I know. I just wanted to see if this would go over well or not. On another note, this is not angsty sad stuff! Yay! (That's a first, I know...)

I own AR. Not.

LLLLL

**Everybody Hates John.**

(_Oh, who actually likes anyone else in the biz anyway?)_

Ian.

"Hey, bro. What's on your mind?" John asks, sending his little brother a glance.

Ian, who is in the middle of pretending to read _The Art of War_ while really thinking of ways to move out his perfect family's house that contains his perfect brother, jumps. "You are, actually."

"Really?" John seems amused.

"Yup," Ian replies, covering his face (John didn't like it when people rolled their eyes at him) with his book, pretending to be interested in whatever the hell was happening in the text at that moment.

"Gonna tell me how?"

"Nope."

"Alright, then," he says cautiously.

Ian just thinks his golden brother is incredibly stupid, but also kind of smart.

Julia.

"I love you," she whispers across to him. It has a hint of truth to it because she's a good liar. She knows this is the last time she'll ever fuck him. Mainly because she knows who he really is, and otherwise because he may be good looking, but he has nothing going on for him in bed.

"S'right," he mutters back.

_God. He's not even lying this time._

"You're an ass," she whispers seductively, throwing a flirty smile in John's direction.

"Yeah," he says back, looking up from the pillow his face has been buried in for the past ten minutes. "I feel the same way, Jules."

_I told him not to call me Jules, dammit._

"It's Julia."

"My thoughts exactly."

_Bastard._

Ash.

"You know, sometimes I think you're the only true friend I have," John rasps out after one of their squash games.

Ash just looks over at the man.

"It's true, you know! I feel like I can trust you more than any other man – other than Ian anyway, but come to think of it, I think I trust you more than my own _brother_, which says a lot about Ian, by the way – and so I just think you should know that."

For a fraction of a second, Ash feels bad about what he is planning on doing. Then John has to open his mouth again.

"Of course, in our business you can't really trust anyone. And no offense or anything, but you aren't exactly the… most experienced secret keeper. No! Not like that! You're just a little less experienced in the… er, not letting things slip part. Right!"

_Idiot_.

Yassen.

"To take a life and save a life with one bullet… that's not bad going."

"You're kind of pompous, you know that, right?" Yassen says.

"Right," John says. Yassen finally notices that John has a problem listening and comprehending what other people say (for a fraction of a second, he feels weak – his idol never truly was an _idol_! But then he gets over it), and, him being him, decides to take advantage of it.

"You're a pompous, self-centered asshole that people like because you're an easy fuck," he says.

"Mhm," John replies with glassy eyes.

"Wow. You know you're not even a _good_ fuck? Julia told me so."

"What did you say about me?" John asks.

"Exactly," Yassen says, panicking, trying to confuse him. Julia would have his ass if John realized that people badmouthed him right in front of his face.

"Oh. All right, then."

Yassen sighs in relief.

Helen.

"Sometimes I can't believe I married you," she says teasingly.

"Me either," he grins. It's one of the few times he's listening to any words being said. Helen notes that and tries to change it. She has to vent to _someone_ about her problems with John.

"John, do you know what hippopotomonstrosesquipedalian means?" she asks.

"Exactly," John says, because he'd heard Yassen use that word before, and after all, Yassen was a smart kid.

Satisfied with her work, Helen settles into the task of complaining about their marriage without John realizing it.

"…and I mean, you're such an _idiot_ sometimes, I honestly don't know how you made your way through the Paras, and now it's even worse with intelligence work. Either that woman with the bad hair is screwing you – which she better not, we're married and therefore exclusive – or you're actually useful for something. Which I don't believe, because for god's sakes, you're _you_. And –"

"Yeah, Helen honey, I'm off to bed…" John gets up out of his chair and walks up the stairs with a loud yawn.

"You're screwing the woman from work, aren't you?!"

"_What?_"

_Julia's gonna kill me._

Raymond.

"Hi. I'm John Rider," John says to Raymond.

"Hello, I'm Raym – wait. _John Rider?_ I'm sorry. I can't talk to you."

"Oh. Okay." John smiles at Raymond then leaves.

And, finally, even little Alex.

"Ian? Why don't I have a daddy?" Nine year old Alex asks his uncle.

"Well, Alex, your dad was didn't know how to listen. Want some ice cream?" Ian smiles down at the boy.

_Someday, I'll tell him about the screwing of Jones and Julia. Maybe when he's fifteen._

"Only if it's chocolate chip cookie dough!" Alex grins up at Ian with a smile that misses one of his canine teeth.

"Sure, why not? We need the low fat kind, though. I've got to stay in shape for the bank, and you're getting a little pudgy."

"Mhm…"

_Oh, the things we inherit._

LLLLL

My birthday's in eight days. You don't have to give me anything (but reviews would be nice). :D


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